11/27/2012

Inbox Humor: The Curtain Rods

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried Continue reading

11/27/2012

Inbox Humor: The Lizard, the Dad, and the Vet

If you have raised kids (or been one), & gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing loudly.

Overview: I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet.

Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad. Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face & followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!” Continue reading

11/27/2012

Simple Home Remedies

More inbox humor…

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure suffers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you’ll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, then you’ve got an electrical problem.

11/27/2012

“Poof!”

A 78-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, “Jerry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Jerry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF!, the light goes on.  When I’m done, POOF!,  the light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Jerry’s wife. “Ginger,” he says, “Jerry is doing fine, but I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, POOF! the light goes off?”

“OH MY GOD!” Ginger exclaims. “He’s peeing in the fridge again!!!!”

11/27/2012

The Perfect Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:

P…E…N…I…S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

11/27/2012

Short Course in Management

A friend sent this to me.  It is wonderfully funny.  I hope y’all enjoy it too…

————-

Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a nun a lift.  She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.  The priest nearly had an accident.  After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized, ‘Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:  Continue reading

11/27/2012

Mating Prayers

A WOMAN’S PRAYER FOR A MATE…

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN’S PRAYER FOR A MATE…

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a crap.

11/27/2012

Political Science for Dummies

If it had been explained like this, politicas would have made sense sooner.

~~<>~~

DEMOCRAT You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. Continue reading

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